Monday, April 1, 2013

The Sauce Is The Boss

So you've all heard my random rants on the amazing BBQ Ranch salad dressing from before.  Well, I've decided to make a Sauce Catalog to help you guys choose your sauces. 
There are several tactics to buying the right sauce.  If you don't have the right sauce, your food can taste downright stinky (literally).  When you do have the right sauce, your food and your sauce go Ka-Boom! and explode with flavor in your mouth.  It's like this:

Food.  Sauce.  kaboom!

Imagine that the "sauce" is spelled with an e.  I know how to spell sauce, the computer just went wacky (don't judge...;) 
So I've made a catalog of the sauces in my fridge (believe me, we have a lot).  
Like I said before, there are ways of determining if sauces are good or not.  One way is to just buy different brands all the time and see what you like.  That's not as foolproof as the next method: If you're looking for quality, buy the most expensive brand.  Or at least somewhere in the expensive range.
You might be thinking, What if they made really cheap Ranch and sold it really expensive?  Well, that's not how business goes.  Business goes like this: you make something cheap for the publicity, then when it gets really popular, you raise prices to raise money.  You won't believe it when I say people fall for it.
They do.
Because say you're really into sauces.  Like, really really into sauces (like me).  You enjoy good quality sauce, and you eat food for the sauce, not sauce for the food.  You'd do anything to get good sauce.
Would you spend money on cheaper sauce with a worse taste, or a more expensive sauce for a good, real, fresh taste of sauce
If your love of money exceeds your love of sauce, then you wouldn't.  But say money means little to you, and sauce does.  Then what would you do?
Gotcha there. 
So buy the most expensive sauce if you want taste, and the least expensive sauce if you want to save your money.  But then, why spend your money on sauce at all if you're going to get the least expensive and worst taste?
When I dug around our fridge, I knew that we had a lot of sauces.  But I had no idea that there were this many sauces:
I'm going to give you my input on all the sauces, and CHOOSE WELL, YOUNG ONES.
Caesar is pretty stinking classic.  We've got here a thing of non-creamy Ken's Steakhouse Caesar dressing, some brand called Girard's Creamy Caesar, and a bottle of unopened Newman's Own.  In my opinion, the best Caesar is the one with the least amount of vinegary taste.  You know how gourmet salad tastes all anchovyish and vinegary and non-creamy?  That's how the Girard's and Ken's taste--I'm not sure about the Newman's (because it's unopened).  But Costco's Caesar salad--the one you get at the food court--is really good.  So are Corner Bakery's and Islands' Caesar salads, although my mom thinks Corner Bakery's is salty.  So try them all and see what you like.
These sauces aren't exactly "the same."  The red bottle with foreign markings is a Korean bottle of spicy stuff, and bottle lying down is some pepper thing, and the Harry & David jar on the left was leftover from Christmas and is a pepper-and-onion relish thingamabob that's not even a sauce.  I honestly don't eat those. 
I don't like A1 Steak Sauce, but you should try it just the same.
Butter!  Glooooooooooooooooooria, inexcelsis balade.  Gloooooria, inexcelsis balade.  I know, I'm cheesy.  Or buttery.
Lucerne cream cheese.  Yummy for your tummy!  Cream cheese brands don't really matter.  Whipped cream cheese is the best, hands down, though.
Everyone knows that 100% pure maple syrup is better than the fakey Aunt Jemima-generic brand stuff.  Look at the Market Pantry so-called "light" syrup trying to steal the pure TJ Maple syrup's show.  If you still eat Aunt Jemima, upgrade to Trader Joe's.  It's more expensive and there's less of it, but if you're a foodie like me, IT'S WORTH IT.
I think both of them are dipping sauces for mahndo, or Korean dumplings.  Yumzeroo!
4 things of mustard here.  Yellow mustard, honey mustard dressing, Dijon mustard, and Chick-Fil-A's mustard sauce (no we did not steal that from the restaurant).  I'm not a mustardy type of person, but I do like the honey mustard dressing.  That Dijon mustard is really strong, and the Chick-fil-A honey mustard tastes too much like honey.  I mean, you can actually taste the honey.  Like, taste-taste it. 
With the exception of the honey mustard, Chick-fil-A is a place I'd go just for the sauce.  Polynesian-Chick-fil-a Signature Sauce-Mayonnaise-AAARGH!  IT'S SAUCE HEAVEN!
Aww, look at peanut butter & jam sticking closer than brothers.  (Okay, so we like Trader Joe's.  Big deal.)  The peanut butter is decent, and their jam is a step up from Smuckers.  Except I don't like the fact that I have to really mix the peanut butter.  How come they can't make genetically altered peanuts that don't have oil that naturally rises?  Can't they make oil that's the same density as the peanut?
This jar of Miracle Whip expired in 2011.  My mom bought it because she thought I'd like it, but after a couple sandwiches with it, I disliked it.  So it hung out in the fridge and mayo regained the limelight.  I dug around for this Sauce Catalog and found it (2 years later).  It went to its death in the trash can (R.I.P., Miracle Whip) after it posed for one last shot. 
Newman's Own Balsamic Vinaigrette and this homemade poppyseed dressing my mom made.  I haven't tried the balsamic vinaigrette (I like the creamy sauces more), but the poppyseed dressing, inspired by the poppyseed-and-spinach salad in Trader Joe's, goes well with spinach, boiled egg, bacon, and avocado in a salad.
I never realized my family's palates are so influenced by Trader Joe's sauces until now.  This is a seafood cocktail sauce (with bits of horseradish in it) that goes well with shrimp.
Kraft Horseradish Sauce.  I personally don't like Kraft--I'm STILL convinced that their grated parmesan cheese is powdered--but their horseradish sauce tastes good.  Perfect for steak, especially Easter steak like we had yesterday.
Tartar sauce.  DEE-LISH with fried seafood.  The whole reason why I eat fish is for the tartar sauce.
Thees ees an EEEtaleean dresseeing.  Ma-ma Mia! (my failed MarioKart voice) Okay, back to my normal voice.  Zesty Italian (by Kraft) and Wishbone Italian both stand here.  I don't like Italian dressing, but in a battle of KRAFT VS ITALIAN, you choose.

Zee array of barbecue sauce (sorry, foreign accents grow on me).  Presenting from left to right...KC MASTERPIECE!  SWEET BABY RAY'S HICKORY AND BROWN SUGAR BARBECUE SAUCE!  THE GENERIC BRAND BARBECUE SAUCE!  SWEET BABY RAY'S ORIGINAL BARBECUE SAUCE! The winner is...SWEET BABY RAY'S ORIGINAL BARBECUE SAUCE!  You can't really go wrong with barbecue sauce, but the best taste by far is Sweet Baby Ray's.  You might pay a lot, but the quality is so beautiful.  Bon appetit! (Okay, I reverted from Italian to French)
I threw my sandwich at the Subway man, saying,
"Mayo, give me mayo."
I want to celebrate and live my life
saying, "Heyo," while eating mayo.
SO TRUE!  Mayo is one of my favorite foods, along with Lipton onion dip.  It spruces up every sandwich, making it even squishier, more delectable, and creamier.  I might try making mayo someday (apparently it's just eggs and oil).  YUMMMMMM!!!!!!!
The reason why Heinz Tomato Ketchup is there, all by itself, is because no other brand can hold a candle to it.  Ketchup is good on fries, onion rings, eggs, and even fried rice.  It never goes bad--too much vinegar--and it's made out of tomatoes.  Healthy (well, not exactly), cheap, and you don't have to choose: Heinz has it all planned out for you.
A slow cooker sauce that we had in our fridge.
Nutella with its wannabe.  Cocoa Almond Spread is the only mistake TJ made.  Go Nutella, because once you've tried Nutella, you can't go to the Cocoa Almond Spread. Creamy and chocolatey and brown and sweet...
Finally...the grand finale.  RANCH!  Ranchranchranchranchranchranch!  Ranch is my favorite dressing, but, as my favorite dressing, it has to be high-standard dressing.  See the Wishbone one (the one on the far right)?  Don't get it.  It tastes cheap.  The dented Hidden Valley Ranch is the bomb, and Marie's is fatty but good too.  YUM YUM!!!  <3 ya, Ranch!

Sauces are what make life taste good.  If you've got a totally dry life, you've gotta use a little excitement sauce to spice it up (dry food isn't going to get moist on its own).  If you've got a sad life, use a little happy sauce to make it happier.  Go Sauce!



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