Friday, March 7, 2014

Just Like Pulling Teeth

The Dentist's Office
Oh gargoyles, I hate going to the dentists' office.

Going there is like pulling a tooth out.  It hurts.

First, there's the smell.  It smells like unflavored plastic.  Like, floss or something.  Or SOMETHING plasticky or rubbery.  I can't exactly pinpoint a name to it--that's what drives me crazy.

There's also the killer metal toothbrush.  I have a nice, soft, flavorless plastic SoniCare, and I prefer it over the metal Spinny Thing of Death.  What is that thing?  Is the chainsaw its cousin or something?  Or maybe its brother?  Or twin?

Especially when you pair the Spinny Thing of Death with chocolate toothpaste?  Metal and chocolate in your mouth at the same time, reaching nooks and crannies where only bacteria like to congregate?   (There's a reason for that, by the way) 

*shakes head*

Just not meant to be.  Sorry, chocolate.  I think you should stick with the bacon and pastries and other normal stuff you're usually paired with.  You and metal are just not right for each other.

Then there are the TVs--EVERYWHERE.  I still go to a pediatric dentistry place, so they play stuff like Disney.  Pixar.  DreamWorks.  (Although those are practically synonymous with Disney.  I'm pretty sure it's going to take over the world someday.  Or at least attempt to, and then Superman will jump out of the movie and, like, fight and win the battle.  Or was it Whizzney that owned DC Comics?  Ugh.  Trademarks are so overrated).  

Although I enjoy a good Monsters Inc. as much as the next person, I don't like being force-fed the stuff while being attacked by the Spinny Thing of Death and chocolate toothpaste.  

When you throw one-eyed green monsters into the mix, the love triangle tends to get a little too complex for my simple teenage mind to comprehend.

There's also the fear of lead poisoning invested in my brain--public waterways don't always get the best rep.  So when the nurse squirts water into my mouth through the tube thing to rinse the toothpaste and my gunk out, my imagination kicks into overdrive, and my paranoia tells me, YOU'RE SLOWLY BEING EATEN AWAY TO YOUR DEATH BY THE LEAD IN THE WATER!!!!!!!

Maybe the National Association of Teeth-Pullers and the government are conspiring together to inject fear into the international public.  That way, we the people spend more money to watch more Disney movies to keep our minds off the slow evil that's seeping into our brains.

Yup.  Makes perfect sense.

Or maybe all of the TVs are part of a conspiracy to put all the children into a TV-induced haziness so that they won't bite off the dentists' fingers.  I've done that a couple times myself.  Not bitten the fingers off, of course.

At least, I don't think I did.

*dun dun dun*

Then there's the whole scraping-your-teeth thing that they do with that round mirror.  It just seems kind of weird to me.  How do they see the plaque on my teeth?  How do they like doing this stuff?  People's mouths are dirtier than garbage cans, according to an advertisement I saw in Better Homes and Gardens.  Why do nurses and dentists do this?  Is it some psychological thing?  They're just, like, wired to like handling people's mouths?  Seriously, it's cool.  I don't think I could ever do that.

When I was younger, I also was afraid of losing an adult tooth.  Whenever I accidentally bumped a metal tumbler against my teeth or something, I'd always be afraid that tooth was loose, and the teeth would turn brown and wilt and wither and people would call me "Rcubed Withered-Teeth" or something equally disturbing.  So whenever I lost a tooth, I'd ask the dentist if it was a baby tooth or an adult tooth that I lost.  The dentist would always look at my tooth for half a second, say, It's a baby tooth.  You're fine, and give me a thumbs-up.

He probably got that a lot.

I'd look at him like he was a king or something and wonder inwardly, Does he have special dentist-seeing powers, like he's GIFTED with the knowledge to know which teeth are adult teeth and which are baby teeth?

I don't have anything against dentists and nurses themselves.  Just, like, what they do in their offices.

Then, when I'd get the X-rays?  I must have something wired within me that tells me I have to breathe with my mouth, so when the dentist staff people put the little X-ray chokers into my mouth, I'd practically throw up because I couldn't breathe.  I didn't figure out how to breathe through my nose until a couple years ago.  I'm a little S-L-O-W on that aspect.

And then, at the end of my appointment, I'd stride out of that office with my new toothbrush, toothpaste, floss, and sticker, my teeth sparkling and heart determined.  I'd floss.  I would eat right.  I would brush all those bacteria-infested nooks and crannies, no matter what that bacteria would say.

A week later?  I'd be picking spinach strings out of my teeth with my finger.  Three days after I last ate spinach.


  1. Hehe I was laughing! You are so funny. :)


  2. It confuses me when they ask you stuff like 'How has your day been going?' when they are practically doing operations in your mouth. Seriously, how are you supposed to talk with all the tools in your mouth.

    Anyway, I like your little perspective on going to the dentist. hah

    1. YESS!!!!! Totally. I was going to implement that element too, but I thought it was kind of pushing the line of being ungrateful, so I didn't...(but you can't change the truth LOL). Thanks for your comment :D