Friday, March 21, 2014

When Your Brain Hurts, You Post Pictures of Whipped Cream

Dear Fellow Achers of Humankind-

I feel bad for people who go to dietitians.  I'm not exactly sure what goes on when they see a dietitian, but it can't be anything good.  Not after what I just went through on CalorieKing.com.

See, it all started on Monday, March tenth, when Mr. G (my ever-famed, ever-fabulous Health teacher) assigned us a food log.  (*red light alarm number one*)  For the next six days, he said, we'd keep track of EVERYTHING we ate--EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING--on a food log.  

Oh, and not just everything--the AMOUNTS of everything that we ate!  (*red light alarm number two*)





To be honest, I thought it was going to be hard, but actually, if I spent five-ten minutes at the end of the day just writing down everything I ate, it was pretty easy.

Turns out, the whole "keeping a food log" thing was the EASY part.

(*red light alarm number three*)

The following Monday (the seventeenth), he passed out a couple of other papers.

Turns out we're going to count the calories of EVERYTHING we ate during the six-day period.

(*red light alarm number four*)

Oh, yeah.  And we'd have to count the grams of fat, sugar, protein, carbohydrates, AND water (consummation of liquid) as well!

Yaaaaaaaay.

(*red light alarm number five*)

Oh, yeah, and he gave us a Food Log Analysis sheet that includes (but is not limited to):

Count of Total Calories, Fat, Sugar, Carbs, Water, and Protein for each day
Average Daily Caloric Intake
Average Daily Fat Gram Intake
On a day-to-day basis, how close I was to my basal metabolic rate (BMR)

(*red light alarm number six*)

I obtained a free app called FatSecret and had this little fourteen-year-old delusion that I was going to whup those calories off the page and into the awesome zone (don't know what I just said there, but it sounds good).  

(*red light alarm number seven*)

Um, maybe not.

I'm including the steps that I have to do in order to earn the sixty-some-points this food log is worth:


  1. Keep track of food log, getting stamped for work every day 
  2. Make seven charts for recording nutritional input
  3. Copy EVERY SINGLE FOOD DOWN onto those seven charts 
  4. Find the calorie, fat, sugar, carb, and protein count for each of those little foods
  5. Record the total number of calories, fat, sugar, carb, protein, and water for each day.
  6. Record it on Log Analysis Chart.
  7. Answer questions.
  8. Carefully put every single paper ever used in the food log project into a specific order.
  9. Create cover page (typed, with Title, Name, and Period number).
  10. Staple everything together.
(*red light alarm number eight*)

Ten steps.  It doesn't look easy written like that, but when you actually have to DO everything?  

My word, it's torture.

Especially finding the nutritional information of everything.

Mr. G advised us to take a picture of the food wrappers we ate, or keep the wrappers themselves, in order to keep track of everything.  Unfortunately, I was rather lazy and looked mostly everything up on CaloreKing.com or FatSecret or Google.  

However, there are exceptions to every rule.  I looked on the whipped cream bottle.  However, it was a long and perilous journey.

(*red light alarm number nine*)

First, I looked on my food log sheet and saw that I had eaten whipped cream (with applesauce).  I started to type it into the CalorieKing search engine and found that all they had was "heavy whipping cream."  I then typed it into the Google Search engine, but halfway through I decided that I was being a fat, Writer's-Tush-infested stereotypically lazy adolescent girl.  

(*red light alarm number ten*)

I told myself that I would look on the whipped cream bottle itself.  This decision forced my legs into action, traveling down a flight of stairs, through a hallway, and into the kitchen for the bottle of whipped cream.

(*red light alarm slowly blinking*)

Deciding that I didn't want to rely on my somewhat absentminded memory for nutritional information, I ran the bottle upstairs, and I calculated the calories.  The units of measurement were different, so I spent some time converting.  After that, I let it sit while I jotted down nutritional information from the other foods.

(*red light alarm flashing and blinking*)

Then, believing I needed a quick "exercise break," I ran the bottle back downstairs.

I progressed for a while until I came to another spot in time and space where I had eaten whipped cream.

(*red light furiously blinking, flashing, and wailing simultaneously*)

I sat in a slight daze before running downstairs and grabbing it again.

After converting those measurements, I progressed for a while, then decided that I had nothing better to do for break than to run the whipped cream bottle downstairs.


(*alarm overheats*)

(*alarm explodes*)

(*scatter my ashes over the Mediterranean, okay?*)






After you've conditioned at tennis, drawn a diagram for Biology, and already completed two front-and-back pages of caloric count, there's really little you care about.  Because if I were in my right mind, I would want my ashes to be scattered over the Pacific.




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