Wednesday, April 30, 2014

When You Make Dinner And Your Family Criticizes You But It's Okay Because They're Your Family

I honestly feel bad for my future husband.

Not because he's getting this jewel of a person (*grins* #JK) but because of my sad lack of homemaking skills.

I had to make dinner for my family not too long ago.

I know, I'm fourteen and a half, and I should be doing grown-up stuff by now, but I don't like homemaking.  

My mom was dropping my brother off at tennis, and I was at home trying to do schoolwork but sadly getting distracted by the 100 pageviews-in-a-day I hit for the first time ever (thanks so much, you guys!).  

My mom had asked me to get the cheeseburgers going before she got home at seven.  (At least, I thought she said she was getting home around 7.)

So at around 6:50, I lugged myself downstairs and started heating things up.  I put the raw burgers on the griddle, toasted the burger buns for 3 minutes, and was overall very proud of myself because I'd actually done something productive.

7 o' clock passed, and my mom still hadn't come home.  The patties weren't cooked anyway.  So I was like, whatever, I'll bring my Bio stuff down and I can learn about ATP molecules while the bacteria is being cooked out of processed Costco meat patties.

At around 7:10, my mom texted me: WILL B HOME IN 20.

Whoops.  I probably misheard the 7 o' clock remark.

I put the cheeseburger buns onto plates only to realize that they were probably going to get cold before my mom came home.  And what a better way to show I was a good daughter than to reheat the buns and put melted cheese on them too?  What an overachiever!  *sarcasm*

I know, I'm a totally lazy bum.

So I put melted cheese on the buns and stuck them in the toaster for another three minutes (making it six minutes total that I cooked the buns.  Yup).

After I literally cooked the burger patties for 20 minutes (they were thick and I didn't want to poison anybody), my mom texted me again: CAN U MAKE SOME GRILLED ONIONS FOR THE BURGERS?

I am such a good multitasker.

*sarcasm again*

I assembled the cheeseburgers, all the while cooking the grilled onions, studying for bio, and listening to Francesca Battistelli.

*bam what*

They came home.  We sat down for dinner.  Instead of eating a burger, however, I had a salad.  Look:

In case you can't tell, that's a Costco Parisian salad with the typical nuts, feta cheese, cranberries, and vinaigrette on top of it.  To "Rcubize" it (hahaha), I plopped my meat patty and a bunch of grilled onions on it before I drizzled everything with mayonnaise.

Then, just as I was beginning to relax and enjoy my creation, someone said,

"Why is this bun so hard?"

I stopped eating.  

"I think she put it in the toaster for too long," somebody else said.

Would you, dear reader, rather have a soft, cold bun without cheese, or a hard, lukewarm bun with cheese?

I tried not to die from embarrassment.

Then the first person said,

"I think I have two bottoms."

You know how the buns are sliced?  The top part is dome-shaped and fluffy and gorgeous, and the bottom part is, well, the bottom?  


I was probably too busy mourning the complexity of cellular respiration to notice that I'd switched everything up.

Then the first person spoke up for the third time.

"The patties are better when Mom makes them."

Don't take it the wrong way, though.  Apparently, they meant to say, "They're better when she assembles/presses them and makes them herself with Lipton onion dip soup mix."

"I'm sorry, this isn't a five-star restaurant," I said, in the half sarcastic way that's not disrespectful when it's your family.

They laughed, and after that it was generally a happy family dinner.  All's well that ends well.

So, the moral of the story?

Don't cook your cheeseburger buns for six minutes.  

Maybe we should just solve everything by eating my cheeseburger salad.  That would make life easier. Evoke world peace.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Toodles :-)


  1. *giggles* That would so be me. My 11 year old sister is a cooking whiz.... And I'm trying to figure out how to turn on the stove. I feel you!

  2. Don't worry!!! You'll eventually pick up homemaking. I didn't learn how to cook anything until college!!