Monday, November 10, 2014

Dissecting My Heart

Like any other normal person, I have problems.

I have lots of problems. 

And I feel like sometimes, as a society, we focus too much on our wonderful, God-given attributes and never enough on how truly desperate we are. 

I also feel like my posts have been a little too happy lately--I'm busy, I'm happy, life's been wonderful, blah blah blah. Because, truth is, I've been struggling a lot. It may not have been as obvious, but I have.

So, I'm going to dissect my heart today and give mostly everything up.

I have a problem with

  • reading my Bible. I need to do this. If I'm going to pursue the careers that I want to pursue--entertainment--I'm going to need to hold onto my faith. If I'm going to be in a public place, I need to cling to Jesus. I just haven't been lately.
I tell myself it's because I'm busy, but no, it's really because my heart honestly believes that it doesn't need God. I believe that I don't need God. What more do I want right now? I have friends. I have a project to work on. I have good grades. I'm on a four-day vacation right now, for heaven's sake!

But I might forget the reason how I got those friends, the writing, the grades, and the vacation in the first place: God's sovereignty. And without Him, I am nothing.

I have a problem with 
  • being selfless. As an introvert, I love spending time with just myself. It takes a lot out of me to be around people, even people I like, and usually after I'm out for several hours, I head upstairs straight to my computer and don't appear for another several hours.
But vacations mean break, and although I do need breaks for some alone time, I also need breaks from the hustle and bustle of school and instead spend time with my family. I don't want to be one of those people where ALL they care about is school: friends, dances, grades, whatever. I want to actually have a life. 

I have a problem with
  • jealousy. Sometimes I look at all the things that I need work on and I think Why am I not like that person? Why can't I be as popular as he is? Why is she so socially adept and why am I not? Why do people take her seriously but not me? Sometimes I feel like I'm in a middle ground: I have good grades but not fabulous. I have a couple groups of friends but some of them are "convenient" friends. I'm decently respected but there are times when people are like, "You're adorable."
And whenever people say that, I resist the urge to throw something at the fence. Somehow the connotation of "adorable," to me, brings back memories of sixth, seventh, and eighth grades when I was a major nut at school. I would say things that were either super idealistic or super innocent--and this was at a Christian school, folks--and people would be like, "You're adorable." 

And I don't mind being adorable. Adorable is awesome. But why am I always the adorable one? Is the fact that I have a blog adorable? (I know some people who think it is.) Is the fact that I read books at school adorable? (Again, I know some people who think it is.) Is the fact that I want to be a published teen writer adorable? (No. It's just very optimistic and very "do hard things" y.)

And now I'm not going to be ashamed of being adorable. I'm not going to be ashamed of being myself--nerdiness and all. Because this is who God made me to be, and God made other people different, and I don't have to be jealous of them because, well, you can't compare apples to oranges. 

So why am I always comparing myself to someone else?

I have a problem with
  • gossip. It's a prevalent thing in the feminine channels at school. It is so stinking hard to prevent this because, well, everyone does it. And sometimes the line between sharing with your friends and venting to your friends is blurred.
And I've hurt people with my words. It honestly comes naturally to me. And I'm ashamed of it. This is not how God created me to be; it is how I am because of my own nature. And since I've learned to talk a little bit more and communicate just a tad bit better, I've found that effective words can go in either direction.

Let's just hope that I use my gift of words for God's glory.

I have a problem with
  • sensitivity. I'm often blunt. Sometimes I ditch the description and floweriness and get straight to the point, and mostly this is because of laziness: I just don't want to pretty up the words. For me, my bluntness is just a reminder of how selfish I am and how I need to work on being a better friend. 
I mean, come on. I'm a stinking writer. I should be able to butter up my words somehow.

I have a problem with
  • laziness. IT'S THE STRUGGLE, I TELL YOU. Being lazy is a common teenage attribute, but honestly you can't just sit back and watch YouTube all day. 
That's what I detest about the adolescent generation. We don't do anything. We sit back and smell the roses so long we forget how the real world works.

The real world doesn't sit around, people. You have to go get it.

I have a problem with
  • pride and ambition. These two go hand in hand. They're beasts, honestly. I see all these other kids my age doing awesome and amazing things like publishing books and writing hundreds-followers blogs and things, but sometimes I need to take a step back and remind myself that God'll let me have it all when it's my time.
Obviously, the time is not right now.

And ambition is sort of good. It's okay to go after things.

But not when it consumes you.

And guess what?

The entire world tells you: Do things, because you are the way you are and you can't change it.

Yes, we can't change our inherently sinful natures. It's only because the world has no idea how to do that that they tell us to embrace "being yourself."

But Jesus can change us. And by His justification and sanctification, He will.

So don't stop fighting. FINISH. 


  1. Lol I WISH I could be adorable. When people meet me, they say "oh you're such a...SMART young lady." -_- and, I was struggling with reading my Bible for a long time too! finally I had to just pray super hard that God would motivate me to read His Word, and I've been reading it every morning when I wake up :) (but that's probably harder for public schoolers) and omg yassss I understand the lazy struggles. seriously, I'm too lazy to even do the things I WANT to do. and yesterday, I had THREE DAYS worth of dishes piled up. ugh. I'm a mess.

    sorry to write so much; just letting you know that I totally get it :)

    1. Thanks :-) It's awesome to know that I'm not the only one.

  2. You aren't the only "adorable" one. I get called that all the time as well. ;) I understand how you feel.
    Oh! And I nominated you for the Best Blogging Buddies Award if you are interested:

    1. Thanks so much--awesome to know that we're both in the same boat.

      And thanks for the nomination! I'll get to it as soon as I can :-)

  3. I know it's been awhile since you posted this, but I just read it now and I have to say there are some bits of wisdom in here.

    I totally understand. On pretty much everything you wrote. People call me "adorable" or stuff like that and it really gets to me. One time I was hanging out with my older friend Hannah and a few of her school friends, and Hannah was telling them how smart I was even though I'm young. She mentioned how I had just randomly said something smart earlier (which I didn't remember). I asked in what context I had said it and one of the other girls LAUGHED at the word context. I'm sorry, is that word too many syllables or something? Ugh. So I have to remind myself to cool down. At least I'm not her and I don't laugh at other people who are smart. Although that's probably not how I should look at it.

    My mom says that even though she knows it's not reasonable, she looks at people who suffer less than her (who have a comfortably living family, steady job, good amount of money, etc) and assumes God loves them more. If God loved us, why would he give us struggles? Human nature makes us think that, even though we know deep down that's not how God's grace works.

    1. Thank you for this comment, Vivi! This really touched me :-)