Saturday, March 7, 2015

sixteen saturdaze | sweet insecurities

guess what the temperature is right now.

I dare you. Guess.

All right. It's ninety degrees out.

No joke. Ninety degrees.

For some reason, Earth thinks it's summer in the West Coast, when it's dead-on winter in the Midwest and the East Coast. 

It's hot, guys. Majorly hot. My body thinks it's summer right now, especially because it's Saturday and I'm home alone with a ton of stuff to do--including a SWEET SIXTEEN BIRTHDAY PARTY TO GO TO! Holla!

Which means, let us rewind for a second.

Sweet Sixteen?

Sweet Sixteen?

I've finally gotten to the age of Pretty in Pink and Sixteen Candles? (Ironically enough, I have seen neither movies, and both star Molly Ringwald in them. Huh.) I've finally gotten to the age where a lot of my friends are turning sixteen soon and some already have? What is this? WHY AM I NOT LIVING IN HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL RIGHT NOW? (And, sadly enough, there was a time when I thought High School Musical accurately portrayed high school.)

And yay, I just got cream cheese on my laptop because I'm having an onion bagel for lunch. Don't judge. Also, my breath will stink, so you should probably stay away from me for a while.

Anyway, back to the subject.

My friend turned sixteen back in January. It's one of my old friends, one I know from sixth grade. We went to the same homeschooling school, and I left in eighth grade to go to public school and she stayed. She's still there, and she invited a lot of people that I know to her party.

To be honest, I'm a little freaked out. One, because she's so much older than me. She was born in January and I was born in September. (Fall babies, shout your names! Young children, lift your hands! Teensy tenth-graders, raise your voices!) Two, I haven't seen her in a while, and in a sense, I'm a little different than what I was in eighth grade. I'm more sure of myself, positively. I'm less naive. I get sarcasm. I can laugh at myself.

But at the same time, when I go to the party, I'm going to be a little scared. My middle school years were not my best years--I didn't get sarcasm and was socially awkward. (I mean, who wasn't?) And sometimes, certain types of people still bring that quality out in me. It's nothing that's their fault; they're just cooler than I am (not trying to be self-deprecating; it's just the truth) and I feel it. Like you know how all the cool kids kind of have their own cool language when they talk they all get the insinuations of everything and everything has different undertones when they talk and they can read between each other's lines? I've gotten better at translation, but I still don't understand all of their coolspeak. 

In a sense, I'm a little anxious, A) because I'm afraid I'm going to revert back to my old ways and feel trapped in a box, like I did before, and B) because I'm afraid that I'm going to be too different, or she's going to be too different, and I'm going to do something wrong that will label me as a "public school kid" and they'll be like, Oh, Rachel went downhill since she went to public school.

You know what it's like when you don't see someone for a long time and you meet up with them and they're like, Wow, you're different, or you're like Wow, they're different. I'm pretty sure she's kind of the same, but I know that I'm different, not in a sense that I've gone downhill, but in the sense that she's a Christian who doesn't go to church or school with me and I'm all like WHAT DO I DO NOW. Oh, and she's seen me in my awkward years. Holla. 

Like, how do I relate to her? Does she still see me in the same way as she did when I was in eighth grade? I'd say some things now that I wouldn't necessarily say back in eighth grade--not cussing or anything bad, just a little bit more...not daring, per se, but more open. I don't quite know how to explain things, but one thing is for sure: I am more confident. I guess that's good. 

And what about all those other people that I knew back then? I wasn't particularly close with anyone at my old school, and I don't really feel a supertight connection bonding me to them. But no matter what, they're still some of my old friends and it'll definitely be different because they'll have inside jokes that I won't know, and I'll have inside jokes with them from, like, seventh grade but there'll be new people there who don't know the old inside jokes...

It's all very confusing, this seeing-old-friends business, and I don't even think it has to do with being a teenager and growing up. I think it's just life in general: when you see someone you haven't seen in a while, neither you or they are ever quite the same, and it can play off badly. Or awesomely. It's kind of hit-or-miss.

 I hope I don't do anything rash/dumb/dumber than that/dumber than even that. I hope that I'm myself there and that I can be comfortable. I hope that she has an awesome birthday and that I won't eat too much food or be too awkward and that I won't mess anything up. 

Happy sixteenth birthday, [insert name here]! 


  1. Oh man, I understand the feeling entirely with people who used to go to my church. And I know I'll feel it even more later, when I go to community college and my other classmates stil lare in, you know, high school. How did the party end up going?

    1. It went all right! I'll be posting on it later. Thanks for asking!

  2. Oh gosh. I moved almost three years ago and I used to be pretty tomboyish right up until we moved. Now I am almost the complete opposite, I like skirts and pink and purple is now my favorite color (Who couldn't like purple? It is so pretty!) and I wear makeup (I used to say I would never ever wear makeup) and whenever I visit I feel so strange. Especially because most of my old friends act as if they saw me yesterday and it hasn't been months since I last saw them. I've changed so much and they all seem exactly the same. Also I have developed my sarcasm since moving. ;) lol

    But anyways, take luck. I'm sure you'll have fun. :D (Sorry about rambling)

    P.S. I'll be sixteen in July!

    1. I know, right? It's always a little awkward! And nice, you're a couple months older than I am, haha--it's nice to see someone who's my age on here; a lot of people are either younger or older.

  3. I really hope the party went well.
    And I'm really jealous that it's sixty where you live. It's still freezing where I am... :/

    1. Thanks! It went OK. And here we get these weird heat waves, because literally last week it was raining and sixty and everyone was freezing.

  4. I feel like I'm in high school musical quite often tbh, the group I hang out with are quite arty. I can lay claim to having sung (out of tune) "we're all in this together!" already this year (I'm not even kidding).

    I hope the party went well :) I never know what to do around old friends either xD

    1. THAT. IS. AWESOME. I don't really hang out with artsy sometimes I feel a little bit lonely, but that's amazing! Dude, I want to go to your high school!

      And thanks for hoping! The party went OK.

  5. Omg, my friends turned sixteen in January too! (What's up with January, man?)'m in ninth grade and still socially awkward...*awkward cricketing* it's a 10th grade+ thing...I sure hope it

    And o. m. g. Are you turning sixteen this year? Because if you are, TURN UP! (And if you're not, it's cool and everything :P) I'm gonna be 15, which sounds weird enough to me. Like...learning to drive...wat.

    And I get the whole "anxiety-over-seeing-people-you-haven't-seen-in-approximately-forever" thing. It's awkward for me--but then, everything is awkward for me. But I bet it'll be cool and fun and you'll have a good time. Can't wait to see the post about it! (Wait...there will be one...right?)

    O | Life as a Young Lady

    (P.S. it's uncharacteristically warm here too! 62 degrees today and 70 tomorrow! Whoo-hoo!)

    1. Yeah, I'll be sixteen this upcoming September. And I will be posting about the party soon, so stay tuned, haha.

      Wow. I sound so mysterious. The party went OK.