Friday, May 15, 2015

THINGS THAT YOU ABSOLUTELY NEED WHEN YOU'RE SICK.



ONE: A personal assistant.
Because we all need a person to wait on us hand and foot while we’re sick, right? Who else is going to hand us the TV remote? Who else is going to type “Ryan Higa” into the YouTube search feature? Who else is going to hand us the tissue box? Who else?
What’s that, you say? Do it by yourself? But heaven forbid that you do it by yourself...I mean, you’re sick! You should get someone else to do it for you!

TWO: A quarantine/containment center.
I mean, come on. This is common sense. If you don’t want to get other people sick, you need your own containment center. Preferably painted black, so as to alert people to the fact that it is a QUARANTINED room and that DEATH and DESTRUCTION and GERMS exist in it, and that you must be left alone in order to not spread the DEATH and DESTRUCTION and GERMS. Yes, spend the extra $40,000 building a separate apartment/room specifically engineered to keep out all the germ-infestable organisms and keep in all the disgusting germs. It makes perfect sense...because nobody wants to get sick!

THREE: One of those face mask thingies.
Because you can never be too careful. Even if you’re in your quarantine/containment center, YOU NEED one of these. What if your personal assistant gets sick and you don’t have a personal assistant anymore?

FOUR: A hair tie, because if you have long hair and you’re throwing up, you do NOT want your pride and joy in your face and mouth while you’re upchucking your lunch, now do you?

FIVE: A sewing kit.
What if you cough up your phlegm so hard that you rip all your lungs out and then your personal assistant (who, I may add, must be a registered, licensed, and Board-certified surgeon) will have to sew you up? What if you get so annoyed at whatever cheesy TLC show you’re watching that you accidentally rip your hair out of your scalp? See? A sewing kit is necessary.

SIX: A protractor.
You need this to measure the progression of your sickness. See, it is a scientifically proven fact that your germs spread about one square inch from your body per second. (You inevitably have a “germ cloud” spread around you. It’s kind of neat, actually. You’re like an atom--your body is the nucleus, and your germ dispersion is the electron cloud.) You will need a protractor to measure the number of inches that your germs have spread, and also to measure the angle at which they have spread. This is quite necessary.

SEVEN: A pair of those rubbery plastic gloves.
Obviously this is for amusement--what else would rubbery plastic gloves be for? In order to amuse yourself--when all TLC and Disney Channel shows have failed--you must take one of them, blow it up, and tie it in a knot. There! You can pretend to play the pig’s bladder game that Laura and Mary did in Laura Ingalls Wilder’s Little House in the Big Woods. (I am not lying...they played soccer with a blown-up pig’s bladder. You can check the book for reference. This is the modern-day version of replicating it...only more sanitary.)

EIGHT: An umbrella.
Because your parents may have only spent $20,000 on your quarantine center and the roof may be in poor quality and what if you live in Seattle or a rainy part of the world? You’ll need an umbrella, certainly.

NINE: Lip gloss.
Even when you’re sick, it’s always important to look your best. Even though you won’t have any visitors and are quarantined and have no chance of ever having any other human contact during the duration of your illness...what else is social media for? Simply apply the gloss, take your phone, snap a selfie, and post it on Instagram! #sick!

TEN: Spam.
Just in case robbers break in and steal all your stuff, it’s important to have a case of Spam in your quarantine center. Of course, you can just destabilize them with your germs, but oftentimes germs don’t work quickly enough. That’s where the Spam comes in--it’s simple, effective, and with the application of a little force, it can be effective for apprehending bad guys.

Voila! Of course, you can add to this list when you get sick as need be, but just KEEP IN MIND, these are the basic essentials for illness. NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT THESE. You will not be able to survive without them.

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All silliness aside, I’m sick. It’s just a minor cold, but I went home from school on Wednesday and have been coughing, sore-throating, and nose-blowing since then. Obviously everything in this post was made up completely by me, and obviously I have way too much time on my hands. These are Friday nights for me, guys :):)

HOLLA! if you do the same :D





11 comments:

  1. Ew. I had to wear one of those math thingies when I was coughing at the doctor's once, and I had never felt so trapped and unable to breath before. :p I really don't like them. xP
    Anyways, I hope you feel better! I had a sore throat/fever/cold the past week and a half and I FINALLY got over it. Such a relief. :p Hopefulky yours will go away sooner.

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    1. Yeah, for some reason Asians wear a lot of those. It must be uncomfortable. (I've never worn one.)

      AND CONGRATS ON GETTING BETTER!

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  2. awesome post! i hope you feel better!!

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  3. This post made me laugh! I really love it! I have a cold right now also..I hope you feel better!

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    1. Haha, I'm glad it did! That was my goal :)

      And get well soon too! Man, we're a bunch of sicklings here, aren't we? :)

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  4. Sorry you're sick! I would add something else to your list, though: NETFLIX. And your mother. A personal assistant's nice and all, but the only person I want when I'm sick is my mother. I glare at everyone else until they leave me alone.

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  5. Awww I was sick too! A couple weeks ago I was baddd sick; my throat felt like I had swallowed a cheese grater. Also Ally R. is so right, Netflix was my best friend when I was sick. And also moms are best assistants, as my dad FORCED ME TO GET UP AND MAKE MY OWN FOOD while I was sick. Whaaat? Bedside manner much?

    O | Life as a Young Lady

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  6. This was a really nice post! I liked reading through the list- especially the personal assistant and protractor part :)
    Hope you get better soon ^^.
    the-emo-wolverine-writes.blogspot.com

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