Thursday, July 30, 2015

I'm Trying To Grow Up, I Swear

I'm going to be really honest with you right now. I should've closed my blog series "Rachel Takes Hawaii" out. I should've said something witty like, "Hey! I didn't get eaten by sharks!" (Is that even witty?) 

I should've told you about this really wonderful shave ice place that we went to that was absolutely AMAZING. 

But instead, I'm going to tell you a story. It's about myself. I know. That's all I ever do talk about on this blog: myself. But if I'm honest, I'm at a freaky place in my life right now. This post has nothing to do with Hawaii. Or fun. Or games. Or anything, really, except me just freaking out in general about my existence on this planet.

I'm going to be a junior this year. Being a junior comes big responsibility. I have to boss the freshmen around. I have to take Advanced Placement courses. I have to take the SAT (which, by the way, I signed up to take in October). I have to take my driver's test in December. I have to turn sixteen in September before I'm able to take my driver's test in December. I have to actually LEARN HOW TO DRIVE SAFELY, for heaven's sake.

I'm freaked out about life. I'm freaked out about my school. I have friends that I feel comfortable with, but I'll probably never be at my most comfortable place with them. I don't think anyone's tapped into that most comfortable part of me yet. 

For some reason, there's a little part of my heart that's closed off to meaningful relationships. I don't know what it really feels like to have best friends, people I can count on constantly and who I jump up and down to see and am always excited to see. Socially, I'm fine, but I feel like everyone's "growing up" and leaving me in the dust to go watch their R-rated movies and whatnot and I'm just like...hi. i like minions. I have a blog that very few people read. The few people who do read it I don't know personally. I have a YouTube channel that one of my friends called "cute" that also very few people view.

Sometimes, quite frankly, I feel like I don't have any friends. I feel like a loner. I think sometimes I try too hard to make friends, but then I don't try hard enough. If you text me, you'll notice something: I almost always respond right away. And guess why I almost always respond right away? Because nobody else texts me at all. When I do happen to text people besides my parents and others, I'm usually the one spurring the conversation on, not the other person. There are very few people who actively pursue texting conversations with me. And that makes me sad, but I'm not delusional enough to think that that's how everyone is. I see massive giant group chats among friends where they can chat about all kinds of things. At school, it seems like the only thing I have in common with everyone is school. Not even personality-wise. Just school.

I am not close to anyone. The only places where I feel at home--truly at home--are at home (well duh) and at church. I've realized recently that A) I'm a homebody--I can only travel and do things within a certain limitation--and B) church is much more than a place to go on Sundays. It's a place where I can meet likeminded people who love Jesus and encourage me along the right path, where I can worship God without worrying about anything, where I can fellowship and forge relationships. 

And even while I am spiritually and emotionally satisfied in both places, there is a part of me who wants a creative aspect to be part of my world as well. I'd love to find someone who wants to do art projects with me, who'll watch movies with me and critique things and watch YouTube videos with me and, most of all, write and brainstorm and create THINGS in general. Music. Art. Photography. Writing. Stories. Productions. I want to find people who are as passionate about creativity as I am. Who find marketing and advertising and the study of the general human populace as fascinating as I do. The entertainment industry. The relationships forged in the entertainment industry.

Revolutionizing the entertainment industry.

Geez, that sounds really idealistic.

I want to act. I want to write. I want to direct. I hate being limited by being young, by having limited funds. I'd like to change the name of this blog and buy my own domain name and have a new Blogger name. I'd like to make my Instagram public, create a Twitter account and Tweet all the mundane things that happen in my life. 

And guess what now?

I'm going to create my own opportunities. I will be unashamed, direct, and clear. I want a fresh start, but I'll make do with what I have. 

I'll find my niche and my people someday, and then things will take off from there. God will lead wherever I go, and I will hold fast to His ways. 

For now, I'll just work and pray.

(Apologies if that sounded complainy a bit. It's just been bottled up in me for a while now.)


  1. Not complain-y at all.
    You're not alone. I have internet friends who I talk to, but in person, not many people understand me. They don't understand what it's like to write every day and what it's like to blog (and pfft they don't read it. :p) and THEY CALL ME A NERD (in a nice way) BECAUSE I ACTUALLY GO TO THE LIBRARY AND READ BOOKS.
    I think so many people try hard to grow up because it's "cool" and watch edgier movies because it's "popular," so when I'm not into that kind of stuff it makes me look like the nerdy young person I am. :p
    Thanks for writing this. I'm sorry things are that way for you right now. :/ I loveeeee reading your blog, so even if it's not super popular (IT SHOULD BE) it's super awesome. You're hilarious. xD

  2. I flipping loved this post, Rachel. You have absolutely no idea just how much this resonated with me.
    I have wonderful friends. Really, I do. I love them to death. But I always feel like I have to be the one to initiate things. Like I'm annoying when I text them too much, but if I don't text them first, then I'll never talk to them. Everyone around me seems to be growing up...and then there's me. (Plus all of my close friends are older, so that doesn't help. -_-)
    Anyways, the point of all of my rambling is to say = I understand. I understand exactly how you feel, because you basically described my life in that post. But I think that what I've been realizing lately is that it's okay to hold back a little. It's okay to not be everyone's go-to friend. Because it's just a period of our lives. Maybe we don't have five BFFs right now, but can we change that? No. So I'm trying to love on the friends that I do have in every way possible, pray about it, and just trust that God's going to bring the people into my life that need to be there. :)
    Grace Anne //

  3. I think you may have also described me. I'm an adult, (so they said, but I feel kind of ageless) and I admit that I still have moments of panic over the future. No matter how far in life we go, there will always be the 'scary next stage'. I am learning to shout "Que sera, sera!" and let God plan things, which he already did. I had to run into many brick walls on the path of 'plans for my life' for me to start learning that (it hurts).
    One would think I'd surround myself with friends for support, but I don't know if I've ever been so recluse as I am now. It seems as if my friends are out and about with their own plans, as I am, and nobody has time for coffee anymore. As much as I'd love a debate on controversial issues or a time to brainstorm some creative plans I simply don't feel that my age group is interested. So I talk to the kiddies instead, or the elders. Elders especially are great for chatting with, I find.
    The point of all this being: Chin up, you aren't the first one to go through this and you won't be the last, nor are you alone. In the meantime, seek ye first the kingdom of God.
    Thank you for being so honest.

  4. OKAY SO YOU ARE SO NOT ALONE. I have friends at school but it's the way you put it- about not bing completely comfortable and shutting yourself off. And everyone seems to be doing things- learning to drive and getting jobs and stuff.

    I hope it's just a stage, but in the end God always has a plan :)

  5. Dont worry about life, rachel! God will help you. You are too young to be having an existential crisis. :)